this generation of 20-somethings

You weren't people yet when I started in college and yet here you are, exemplified by actress Ellen Page- you very young, very smart, very talented people of this generation. You make me wonder what happened to me the past 15 years. I wanted to say I was like you when I was your age, but I wasn't. We were alike in that we wanted to do more than what (older) people wanted or expected us to do, or thought we could do. The difference is that you, the young people of now,ARE able to do more, than people in my generation did. Incredibly, you are accomplishing so much so young. We are living in an enlightened age, unlike enlightened ages in the past.. the cause for this enlightenment is from a world become so strange we needed to seek truth on our own, because the truths handed to us were given by people we no longer believed in. And you can act, because you're not as tired as we are. You grew up knowing you had to find your own way. You didn't have to go through stages of doubt, of clinging to mentors you thought looked out for you, because it was their responsibility to do so. You knew right away you had to seek truth on your own because nothing was making sense anymore. But I'm giving myself an excuse. I don't have to be this tired or confused or disappointed or old. And I don't have to be like you either. My generation's time hasn't ended. We're coming. Watch out for us.

Is my boyfriend gay?

I don't why, but I woke up this morning thinking that- and by the end of the day I've become more convinced it could be true.

I started to think back to when we met- he just broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 2+ years. I thought he was showing me off to his friends, his family and ex-girlfriend to let them know he was fine with the breakup. Then there's how he behaves when we're with other people- especially when we're with his friends, he's touchy and sweet with me in public, like he's trying to show how much of a guy he is. He goes out with his guy friends to the gym, to movies, to bars. I never thought about that before- of course, that's what guys do- it can't always be him and me dating. Even now when we're apart and he tells me he goes out with his guy roommates and guys from work, I'm relieved because he isn't dating other girls; but then I got to thinking- wait, he had a few drinks at a bar with just one other guy? Not a group of guys but just one guy? It's not always the same guy- but that could mean many things.

And the way he talks about his roommates and his guy friends- I used to find them interesting and now I see nuances- admiration- in how he describes them. His favorite sport- wrestling- him groping and grappling with other guys. Of course, I haven't put much stock in the obvious- he lives in downtown San Francisco, close to Fulton street where they have the 'leather-lovin' parade every year. He's rented this room for more than a year now at this apartment owned by a gay landlord who rents the top floor to his gay friends, and the second floor (where my boyfriend has his room) to good-looking guys. He loves going to Castro 'because it's interesting'- I used to think this proves he's hetero because he's not homophobic, but I've always had this scared sinking feeling he's hoping to get picked up? He uses a variety of hair products and regularly uses skin moisturizer, and uses body wash instead of soap. He loves art. He loves drawing stylized nude women, nude men, and portraits of himself shirtless.

Is my gay straight guy a straight gay guy? If he was, and I'm beginning to believe he is... I would.. in all honesty, still keep him as my friend. You can't un-love a person. All the things that I saw and knew about him- I fell in love with that. And I love what I know about him now, including all that I didn't know before.

But hey, I'm going out there find me a straight guy to start dating.

What should I do with my life?

"What should I do with my life?" is the title of a small book by Po Bronson, where he writes stories of real people changing their careers drastically in search for work that was more satisfying to them. Not all of the stories ended happily ever after, but the point was, these people had the courage to change their lives to look for the answer to that question.

I browsed through this book about two months ago in the downtown San Francisco Borders. I was looking for CMMI and PMP certification review books, and I found this thin red book in the project management section where it didn't belong. I picked it up thinking along the lines similar to what a cheesy old man would say to a pretty young thing in a bar, "Hello, what's a touchy-feely book like you doing in a shelf like this?"

Friday night I watched Bewitched, and it was there again, among the self-help books that the Nicole Kidman character was browsing. Over dinner, I told my movie-watching buddies about the book, and they sounded interested, one made a note to look for it.

That same Friday afternoon before I watched that movie, I had received bad news from my boss. After 15 years working in the same company, I had decided to quit, and I told her so. She asked what I was going to do. I said I didn't know.

The universe is trying to tell me something. Or reminding me. An (unexact) quote from Po B: some people get epiphanies, many only hear whispers. Count me among the many. But whisper on, you who be angels or otherwise. I'm listening.